Friday, August 22, 2003

CELT Conference To Premiere In Knoxville

Knoxville, Tennessee (WBNN)

The first annual Consume Every Living Thing (CELT) Conference will be held this year in Knoxville. The conference is a joint effort of People Eating Tasty Animals (PETA) and Eaters Like Variety Especially Simians (ELVES). The conference sponsers are Best Friend Products of Knoxville and Prehensile Products, of Melbourne, Florida.

The BFP spokesperson, Jennifer, waxed enthusiastic about the conference, "America has long been blessed with organizations promoting beef, pork, poultry and fish. Now we have a forum for more unusual meats such as canine, simian and equine products. As an example, consider Wagglty Tail. Before CELT we didn't have a trade show of our own. Rumor has it our reclusive CEO will attend. I can't wait to meet him."

The PP spokespeople, Susie and Serenity were also enthused. "Our CEO, also a recluse, may also attend," said Susie, "I'm so excited!" When asked why Prehensile Products chose two spokepeople with the same firist initial, Serenity reported, "It's for the alliteration. Like Serenity sells Simian Sizzile or Susie sells Simian Sizzile. We wanted Dr. Seuss for the marketing department except he's deceased." The interview was somewhat disconcerting given that both Serenity and Susie wore the Prehensile Products company uniform, which features dark sunglasses and a Colt Anaconda in a shoulder holster.